Who's in your house?: Coping with the loss of a pregnancy

I’ll never forget that day I heard my doctor say,  “I’m sorry Mrs. Nesmith, I don’t hear a heartbeat.”

Jacob and I sat there stiff as a board, hoping, praying, to hear something. But there was nothing. The baby that we’d hoped for, that we thought was there, the baby that the doctor’s said was once there, no longer was a living soul within my body.

As my doctor shared my options, I sat there motionless. She sounded like the Charlie Brown teacher in the background as I thought about my deficiencies and why I was inadequate to carry a baby. I thought about how my husband was feeling. Was he crushed that our first born would never be born? Would he leave me? Would he treat me differently? What did I do wrong? Did I overdue it the week before preparing Thanksgiving dinner? Should we have not shared with our family during Thanksgiving that week before? Suddenly, I heard, “Mrs. Nesmith, I want you to think about your decision on how you’d like to terminate the pregnancy and I’ll be right back.” I looked at Jacob, he looked at me. Would I endure the natural passing of a baby that was no longer there and put myself through the mental pain and anguish of going through that process alone, or, would I take the medical route and allow the doctor to remove the embryo from my body?

That afternoon, Jacob and I rode home in silence. How would we tell our families? How would we share that the baby we told them was there last week is no longer there? How would I explain to my teammates that I’d be out of work? They didn’t even know I was pregnant. How long would I be out of work? How would my students react? So many questions, so little answers.

A Nervous Nancy I’d call myself, as I walked into Waccamaw Hospital that cold December morning. This was the hospital that I’d hoped to birth my baby in, but now what? Jacob was there right along the way. But did I know how he really felt? Did he know how I felt? Honestly, no, but the anesthesia quickly took away the pain. A simple outpatient surgery is what they told me. Simple for who? Not me. Sent home to rest. Rest. Really? Rest.

That night, I cried like the baby I’d longed to hug, to love, to care for. As I lied there in the arms of my husband, I cried uncontrollably. He let me. I was in pain. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. Was I on my feet too long? Was it because I was upset because I couldn’t get to my appointment on time because the bus driver at the school refused to move the bus from behind my car in the school parking lot that day? What had I done wrong? What was wrong with me? What if I couldn’t carry a baby? What if?…

And then God said nothing. The timing just wasn’t right. Be still and know that I am God, is all I felt in my spirit. But somebody needed to tell my aching heart that. What did that really mean? Once over the shock that I was going to be someone’s mother, I became excited. And then that joy was removed in an instant.

Until, one of my Kindergarten teacher friends told me something that I’ll never forget. Not knowing how she knew, but for some reason, news (especially gossip) spreads like wild fires at schools. Maybe my principal had broken a confidential code, maybe she’d experienced this type of grief herself. I don’t know. But Kindergarten teachers have a uniquely amazing way of breaking things down into simpler terms for big and little humans. That day as I walked down the hall, I don’t know if I looked sad or if she saw the pain in my eyes, nevertheless she looked at me and said, “I want to give you a hug my friend.” She embraced me as I embraced her. We hugged in that hall which seemed like an eternity. However, during that embrace she said, “God knows exactly who he wants you to have in your house.” And even though I knew this, no one had ever told me so plain and simple.

God knew it wasn’t time for Jacob and I to be parents in June of 2011, but he knew that on December 12, 2011, we’d be ready. Not much time for us to grow you may think, but it was just enough time for us to prepare ourselves for our new little person. And it is so, that we welcomed Kaylee Elizabeth into this world after so much pain exactly a year and a day prior. But God knew it was our time. It was our time to become the parents that we’d longed to be. Even though we sometimes wonder what that little person we lost would be like, we don’t question God’s decision.

Today, and any day, I continue to encourage couples that are welcoming children into the world to take care of themselves. Not only the moms, but especially the moms, and also the dads. Dads, take care of the women that are carrying your precious cargo. We women sometimes believe we are superwomen and think we can do the impossible. But I’ve learned that carrying and caring for a child is hard work and is even harder when you’re on the journey alone. Work with your spouse for the well being of the child that you will soon welcome into this world. Understand and know that our emotions are a little more out of control than normal. You may not believe me, but it’s true. Love on her anyhow. Help and support her when she doesn’t want to be and when she wants to be Wonder Woman. This is the most venerable time in our lives and the most difficult part is we want to continue to do what we normally do, but this is hard. It’s darn right impossible. But we keep pressing. But don’t make us! Help out above and beyond your norm. Your mate and especially your child are depending on you.

Remember, God knows exactly who he wants in our house. Make sure you take care of the ones in your house so that their debut is exactly how you desire and dream. No matter what the news may be, good, bad, happy or sad, remember that you always have one another, and strength comes from each other. When she is weak, he needs to be strong. When he is weak, she needs to be strong. Find that inner strength of your marriage or relationship and learn to hold on to that. Strengthen your relationship with unconditional love, support, and encouragement. Even when it’s hard, be kind to one another and know that you need each other more than ever. Your unborn child needs to feel the love of both mom and dad, and even though you are preparing for their arrival, they know you are there and will love you in return when they enter this world. Remember, God knows exactly who He wants in your house. And he will make it happen, in His time and in His way, when it’s your time to expand your house.

God loves you, and so do I!

Peace, Love & Marriage--Kim